I enjoy reading Carolyn Hax for the same reasons that the late Ann Landers always used to be interesting to read as well, they both call it as they see it. Here is one of two columns dated today in The Seattle Times. I posted her column on being your best self before, and like that column, I thought this was a particularly good one as well.
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Stop rating-scale dating and seek true connection
Advice columnist Carolyn Hax: The best way to see what people have to offer is to rid yourself of preconceived notions of who you want them to be.
Dear Carolyn
DEAR CAROLYN: I’m an average-looking guy — let’s say a 6 — and after years of dating, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have four options when it comes to women, none of which seems to add up to long-term happiness.
Option 1: Be with a woman who is more attractive than me, but less intelligent or mentally stable, thus trading intellectual connection for beauty.
Option 2: Be with a woman of equal intelligence and attractiveness, but spend my life in boredom once the novelty wears off, and end up like every other married zombie.
Option 3: Be with a woman who is more successful and intelligent, but less attractive than I, and spend my life fighting the temptations of lust (think Bill Clinton).
Option 4: Become the lonely creepy uncle everybody invites to Thanksgiving out of pity.
Is my outlook completely distorted and pessimistic? Or am I just being an entitled moron with an inflated ego? Is there a 5th option (other than becoming rich and famous)? I’d really appreciate your feedback.
— A.
DEAR A.: So if you’re a 6, then you can get a woman with 10 looks only if she’s a minus 4 personality? And a 5 gets stuck with a 5 and they live undead-ly ever after? And wealth and fame buy anyone you want?
This is so cynical my eyebrows frosted. Not that you’re bitter and write people off as heartless, just that you completely omit the heart.
We are not linear, we are not commodities, we are not mere sums of traits, at least not ones that can be measured objectively — and having to say this has me concerned about your ability to hear it.
I can only hope you’ve gotten your view of partnership from “10 Things You’re Doing Wrong on Dates” listicles — or from friends whose views on dating fit into “All [blank] are [blank]!” constructions.
I hope this because these are, like any inadequate education, reversible by anyone willing to ask more of themselves.
Please start by digging into what you want from women. Something to look at and sleep with? Something to take with you to couple-y things? Something to help you reproduce, check the right life boxes, make your home more homey, supplement your income? If you’re nodding at any of these, then never mind and pick whatever option seems least dreadful to you.
But if you’re saying no no no, you want companionship, intimacy, mutual support, then quit “dating” and start paying attention to whose company you prefer above all others. Have you ever known someone you were always happy to see walk into a room, even after, to use your phrase, “the novelty wears off”?
Has that person been a family member, best buddy or group of friends, but never a woman you were dating or wanted to date?
I suspect that’s the real culprit here, that for whatever reason, you see women as a special category of pairing, independent of all other bonds you have, and resulting from a specialized search.
If so, you’re being so unfair to yourself. A love that satisfies is one that combines much of what is good and rewarding in your other relationships into one source, someone who also has that fuller appreciation of you.
If you love that your buddies make you laugh and allow you to be yourself, that your parents inspire you to do your best, that your grandma knows when you need cookies and a hug versus a treatise on this or that, and that you’ve never forgotten your first actual girlfriend because gazing at her got you through algebra, then you just sketched out someone who would fit you. Not a 6, 7, 7 and a 5 who averaged out to an attainable 6.25.
I’m not suggesting you should walk around with this sketch, seeking a woman who looks just like that. On the contrary; the best way to see what people have to offer is to rid yourself of preconceived notions of who you want them to be.
If my suggested sketch is of anyone, it’s a sketch of you — of how you feel, and want to feel, around others. It’s to show you why and where and how you chose the other valuable people in your life, so you can follow similar paths to get to know women. Not date them, get to know them; too often there’s a difference.
You meet friends through shared classes, teams, work or even a shared backyard fence, right? So pick the hobbies and hangouts and community groups that best represent who you are and make yours a regular presence there. If your natural habitat isn’t conducive to meeting women, then adjust your habitat so that it’s still right for you but allows for more circulation.
If you and an unattached woman in this habitat enjoy similar things, cross paths often, cultivate a friendship, outlast any novelty and still seek each other out, then that’s the option not to refuse.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living
Showing posts with label Carolyn Hax. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Carolyn Hax. Show all posts
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Monday, December 8, 2014
TED Talk - Eduardo Briceno
The Power of belief - mindset and success is the topic. It's pretty interesting, and funny, because it dovetails with a Carolyn Hax column today about giving false praise to children, and the harm that it does.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Being Your Best Self by Carolyn Hax
After posting the Carolyn Hax column from Saturday, I knew I wanted to dig this one up, because it was another one that I thought she really nailed it as far as what I felt that I should aspire to-
Originally published Friday, December 13, 2013
Ideas for cultivating strength on road to being your best self
Advice columnist Carolyn Hax on assessing what you bring to the party of life every day.
Dear Carolyn
DEAR CAROLYN: You often talk about a “best self” and the ways people should either live that themselves or permit others to do so. I can guess what a best self might be, but I wonder what your workaday definition is?
— Best Self
DEAR BEST SELF: It’s when you like yourself.
Or, when you’re getting the most out of your strengths and succumbing the least to your weaknesses. It’s highly personal, but here are some ideas for cultivating strength:
Are you doing things that are meaningful to you; well-suited to your interests, skills and talents; and challenging enough to keep you humble?
Are you with people to whom you want to be kind; who reinforce your good choices; and who don’t inspire persistent doubts about whether they’re dependable, genuinely fond of you, free of ulterior motives, honest with you?
Are you that person to those you love?
Do you take responsibility for your choices and their consequences?
Do you honor your promises and commitments, to yourself and others?
When you are impressed by, grateful to or concerned about someone, do you show it?
Do you forgive?
Are you representing yourself honestly, to yourself and others, creating no facades to maintain?
Do you take care of yourself — in small ways like flossing, and in big ways like thinking through potential consequences before you act? And do you put yourself first in ways that sustain you, to minimize your burdening of others?
As for taming weaknesses:
Do you realize your needs have the same status as everyone else’s? And you’re not the hero in every encounter with others?
Are you mindful of your flaws and demons?
Do you make choices that put distance between you and your temptations?
Do you resist the impulse to blame others when things go wrong?
Do you understand the boundary between your and others’ business, and stay on your side?
When you’re unsure, do you admit that and seek help?
When you’re about to express negativity or a criticism, do you ask yourself whether it needs expressing? And imagine how its target will feel?
When you fall short, do you admit that? To those who most need to hear it?
Since all of these questions hinge on solid self-awareness, I’d call Step 1 a brutally honest assessment of what you bring to the party — and how you’re most likely to wreck it.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook atwww.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living
Originally published Friday, December 13, 2013
Ideas for cultivating strength on road to being your best self
Advice columnist Carolyn Hax on assessing what you bring to the party of life every day.
Dear Carolyn
DEAR CAROLYN: You often talk about a “best self” and the ways people should either live that themselves or permit others to do so. I can guess what a best self might be, but I wonder what your workaday definition is?
— Best Self
DEAR BEST SELF: It’s when you like yourself.
Or, when you’re getting the most out of your strengths and succumbing the least to your weaknesses. It’s highly personal, but here are some ideas for cultivating strength:
Are you doing things that are meaningful to you; well-suited to your interests, skills and talents; and challenging enough to keep you humble?
Are you with people to whom you want to be kind; who reinforce your good choices; and who don’t inspire persistent doubts about whether they’re dependable, genuinely fond of you, free of ulterior motives, honest with you?
Are you that person to those you love?
Do you take responsibility for your choices and their consequences?
Do you honor your promises and commitments, to yourself and others?
When you are impressed by, grateful to or concerned about someone, do you show it?
Do you forgive?
Are you representing yourself honestly, to yourself and others, creating no facades to maintain?
Do you take care of yourself — in small ways like flossing, and in big ways like thinking through potential consequences before you act? And do you put yourself first in ways that sustain you, to minimize your burdening of others?
As for taming weaknesses:
Do you realize your needs have the same status as everyone else’s? And you’re not the hero in every encounter with others?
Are you mindful of your flaws and demons?
Do you make choices that put distance between you and your temptations?
Do you resist the impulse to blame others when things go wrong?
Do you understand the boundary between your and others’ business, and stay on your side?
When you’re unsure, do you admit that and seek help?
When you’re about to express negativity or a criticism, do you ask yourself whether it needs expressing? And imagine how its target will feel?
When you fall short, do you admit that? To those who most need to hear it?
Since all of these questions hinge on solid self-awareness, I’d call Step 1 a brutally honest assessment of what you bring to the party — and how you’re most likely to wreck it.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook atwww.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Columnist Carolyn Hax - July 19 2014
I started reading the advice columnist Carolyn Hax again in the last year or so, I feel like her advice and writing has matured a lot in the years since she first came on the scene. The highlighted passages from today's The Seattle Times really meant a lot to me.
It fits in with a personal mission statement that I put down in writing in the last year. I don't expect that it will come into play in the sense of anyone pursuing me, but I want to change how I think of myself and what I deserve; and will constantly strive for when given the opportunity.
Originally published Saturday, July 19, 2014 at 6:15 AM
Boyfriend more interested in thrill of pursuit
Skip this game if you want true companionship, advice columnist Carolyn Hax says.
By CAROLYN HAX
Syndicated columnist
DEAR CAROLYN: A guy I dated for about three months ended things a few weeks ago because, in his words, I didn’t let him “pursue” me enough (read: I got too invested too quickly, and started contacting him more than he was comfortable with). He said that he cared about me very much, but that he wanted to feel that the person he was with was a bit “hard to get.” I was sad, but understanding.
After about two weeks of no contact from me, he started calling, texting and emailing again and eventually wanted to meet up for drinks.
This seems so on-the-nose (I didn’t call, so he suddenly felt ravenous for me again) that it’s almost insulting. Then again, I know it’s commonly believed that guys (/people) love to pursue, so maybe I did do the wrong thing by denying him that opportunity before. What do you think? Give him a second chance, or let go on general principle?
— Pursuit for the Sake of Pursuit?
DEAR PURSUIT FOR THE SAKE OF PURSUIT?: This whole love-to-pursue thing — what do people do with it once they’ve committed to each other? Do they demand/promote an aura of mystery in their shared home? All body noises and hygiene rituals get rushed discreetly into locked, soundproof bathrooms? All unsightly ailments get immediately quarantined and tended to by hired nurses? All calls and texts go unreturned for a time.
Yes, pursuit is a rush, a two-person amusement park. But it’s better at teaching you about yourself than it is at bringing you closer to others, because it’s not about the other person; it’s about what the other person does for you.
If it’s life companionship you ultimately want, and you’d rather stick yourself with pins than play the izzy-gonna-call game, then pass. True partnership is about finding someone you get along with so well, and find so beautiful inside, that the outside is just a pleasing window to the good stuff.
It’s about the “what” of wanting to be with someone to the extent that the “how” is beside the point. You will call or text or stop by, s/he will call or text or stop by, whatever, it’s a foregone conclusion that you had a really nice time last night and one of you will initiate some sort of communication soon.
If you’re up for a game, then, fine, give him his second chance; he might grow up to be a lovely person someday. But go into it knowing this: He isn’t calling because he realized his error in breaking up with such a great person. He’s calling because he gave you strict instructions on how to hold his attention, and this is your reward for following them to the letter. Instructions that include wanting him but pretending you don’t. Barf.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook atwww.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living
Originally published Saturday, July 19, 2014 at 6:15 AM
Boyfriend more interested in thrill of pursuit
Skip this game if you want true companionship, advice columnist Carolyn Hax says.
By CAROLYN HAX
Syndicated columnist
DEAR CAROLYN: A guy I dated for about three months ended things a few weeks ago because, in his words, I didn’t let him “pursue” me enough (read: I got too invested too quickly, and started contacting him more than he was comfortable with). He said that he cared about me very much, but that he wanted to feel that the person he was with was a bit “hard to get.” I was sad, but understanding.
After about two weeks of no contact from me, he started calling, texting and emailing again and eventually wanted to meet up for drinks.
This seems so on-the-nose (I didn’t call, so he suddenly felt ravenous for me again) that it’s almost insulting. Then again, I know it’s commonly believed that guys (/people) love to pursue, so maybe I did do the wrong thing by denying him that opportunity before. What do you think? Give him a second chance, or let go on general principle?
— Pursuit for the Sake of Pursuit?
DEAR PURSUIT FOR THE SAKE OF PURSUIT?: This whole love-to-pursue thing — what do people do with it once they’ve committed to each other? Do they demand/promote an aura of mystery in their shared home? All body noises and hygiene rituals get rushed discreetly into locked, soundproof bathrooms? All unsightly ailments get immediately quarantined and tended to by hired nurses? All calls and texts go unreturned for a time.
Yes, pursuit is a rush, a two-person amusement park. But it’s better at teaching you about yourself than it is at bringing you closer to others, because it’s not about the other person; it’s about what the other person does for you.
If it’s life companionship you ultimately want, and you’d rather stick yourself with pins than play the izzy-gonna-call game, then pass. True partnership is about finding someone you get along with so well, and find so beautiful inside, that the outside is just a pleasing window to the good stuff.
It’s about the “what” of wanting to be with someone to the extent that the “how” is beside the point. You will call or text or stop by, s/he will call or text or stop by, whatever, it’s a foregone conclusion that you had a really nice time last night and one of you will initiate some sort of communication soon.
If you’re up for a game, then, fine, give him his second chance; he might grow up to be a lovely person someday. But go into it knowing this: He isn’t calling because he realized his error in breaking up with such a great person. He’s calling because he gave you strict instructions on how to hold his attention, and this is your reward for following them to the letter. Instructions that include wanting him but pretending you don’t. Barf.
Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook atwww.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living
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