Mom & Dad

I don't wallow in sadness,  but I do usually spend a lot of time thinking about my mother on the anniversary of her death. It was 29 years ago today,  and most of that I remember like it was yesterday.

Two days from now,  on Friday,  is the 4th anniversary of my father passing away. I can still distinctly remember being on pins & needles at work 4 years ago today. Dad was in hospice care,  his Alzheimers Disease was about to end his life. I woke up that morning all of a sudden thinking what would be the odds of him dying the same day as Mom.

It was not to be,  but when the end came I was more at peace with it all after having experienced him deteriorating for 5 years.

And as I've talked about here before, I wonder how long will I live. I am set to turn 52 about 2 months from now. If I do,  I will have lived longer than Mom. I hope if I do live to a decent older age that I continue to have reasonably good health.

Today's Post is Brought to You by My Lilacs

Yesterday when I was online I read a piece by L.A. Times columnist Sandy Banks about the long term affect of losing your mother at an early age. She talks about her own experience of losing her mother to cancer when she was 17 and her mother was 52.

She references a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman that I had never heard of, but know I need to read. I broke down crying at one point when I could see myself in several of the things she described. It hit me like a ton of bricks, because I all of a sudden didn't feel so crazy.

Edelman noted several character traits that were common including a sense of isolation, and a deep sense of our own mortality.  A tendency to be very independent, yet expecting rejection, and unlikely to ask for help. She quotes a therapist named Irene Rubaum-Keller who lost her mother at the age of 7; "Lonely, sort of needy, but not wanting to need anyone because that's too scary."

Mom & me 1962

Banks also talks about reading a piece from columnist Anna Quindlen who lost her mother at 19, and how it defined her for a long time; I could see myself in that too. I was 2 months shy of my 23rd birthday when my mother died at the age of 51 from a heart attack. It pulled the rug out from under me. Reading the article made me realize it had affected me in ways I never understood.

When I was reading "The Magic Room" I thought about the fact that without my mother around, I never really had any guidance when it came to dating and men. I didn't date much before she died to be able to learn from her, and I have probably confused every man I've ever met with my honesty, but it's the only way I know how to be. I have difficulty expressing my feelings, but when I do, I'm direct about them. The saying about still waters running deep fits me to a T.

Summer 1980

I also unfortunately developed quite a fatalistic attitude after mom's death that in some ways has made me very apathetic about my own life. I feel like I've spent the last 29 years on the outside looking in, and it's tiring.

The Magic Room

I previously posted about the author Jeffrey Zaslow after I read an inspiring eulogy by Bob Greene. What really stuck out for me was his work ethic which was such an integral part of his character. The article mentioned several of his books, including The Magic Room; sadly he was killed in a car accident while travelling to promote it.

Jeff Zaslow 1958-2012

Before reading that, I had not actually remembered hearing about him specifically but do remember seeing a segment on NBC Nightly News about the book, and Becker's Bridal where it was set. After putting 2 & 2 together, I am assuming that what I saw was produced after his death. It was after reading the article that I ended up putting it on my wish list, and ordered it from Amazon last summer.

The Magic Room by Jeff Zaslow

When I first got it I started to read it, then put it away for awhile because I wasn't emotionally/mentally ready to read it at that time. I admit that it is strange, even to me, because I had no preconceived notion of what it would be like. I still felt like I was not in the right mental place to read it.

I finally picked it up again this month after finishing another book, and just finished it yesterday. It turned out to be very good and it is more than just about brides and brides to be, it's about the stories of the lives of these women, young and old and their families. It's hard for me to describe, but it is well worth reading no matter what your personal situation in life.

 He featured the story of Becker's Bridal in Fowler Michigan and the different generations of family that have run it. He also featured several brides whose stories were compelling to him in how they illustrated the journeys that lead people to the altar and love in all it's facets.

One story in particular really hit home for me, about Danielle whose mother Kris died when Danielle was 14 years old. Kris collapsed and died at the age of 33, with no warning. It is presumed that she had heart issues, but it was never confirmed.

He wrote that Danielle knew her life would be forever divided into "before" and "after". He also noted that for many who lose a parent when they are young; they have two milestone birthdays. The birthday when you have lived more of your life without your parent than you did with them alive. The other birthday is when you have lived longer than that parent.

Edith Johnston McDougal

I was reading this chapter on the bus ride home from work, and started crying, but tried to contain it -  it was as if I was reading about myself. I was not as young as Danielle when my mother died from a heart attack; I was 2 months shy of my 23rd birthday, my mom was 51. But reading that she felt this way was such a release, because I knew I was not alone.


Going back further, my siblings and I never knew our grandmother Edith, because she died in her 40's when my mom was between 13 & 14 years old. When mom died young as well, I just assumed that I was fated to die young too. When I turned 50 it didn't bother me at all, but when I got close to 51, it scared me because what seemed so far away when I was 22 was staring me in the face.

Mom at 12 years of age

I realize now that I got kind of fatalistic about life after mom died, but not always in a good way. I tried to not sweat the small stuff, but I also see that I indulged myself when it came to food. Because I had such a low self image anyways, the fatalistic part of me said it didn't matter that I was overweight. Approaching my 51st birthday last fall made me realize that I don't want to die anytime soon.

I am trying to get on a path to wellness both physically and emotionally. I'm also trying not to beat myself up for feeling like I have essentially wasted half my life. I just want to go forward with a new attitude and understand that change doesn't happen over night.

Mom

Today was Prince Charles' 65th birthday. It would have been my mom's 80th birthday. She told me the story when I was around 20 of how she remembered when he was born. She was a teenager, and at the time she said it was pretty cool that he was born on her birthday.

Bonnie Prince Charles

Anne McDougal

The picture I took of her above was from 1982. We were on a road trip from my hometown of Kalamazoo Michigan to her hometown of Rochester New York.

I had earned a one week vacation from the job I had, and one of the main events of the trip for my mom was to go to her 25th high school reunion. After the reunion we headed to Vermont and New Hampshire. We were driving in the Finger Lakes region of upstate New York, which is a little ways southeast of Rochester, and came across this sign.

We immediately pulled over and got out and I got this shot of mom, we could not resist! It was a fun trip; I saw Lake Champlain for the first time, and we went all the way to the Atlantic coast in New Hampshire.

She took a solo trip to Nova Scotia the summer I took driver's ed in high school. I might post about that some other time, I have her pictures and other items from that trip. At her memorial service after she died in 1985, one of her friends told me how brave she felt my mom was at the time to make a trip like that, very independent.

It's something I think about in relation to when she and dad divorced. She said that part of why he left her was that he felt like she wasn't growing enough as a person. And I thought the irony is that after getting divorced I think she actually grew a lot. She and dad were both very smart, well read and into the arts, I'm thankful that I had that environment to grow up in.

Mom 1979

My mom's best friend Nancy Jackson Jones took this picture at the beach on Lake Michigan. She always tanned so beautifully, I wished I had inherited that. I expected my hair to go salt & pepper like hers since I had found my first gray hair at 21, but it was not to be. Like I said before though, I am the product of my parents; I got dad's height and her legs ♥

Mom on honeymoon 1956

Mom 3 or 4 years old