Today's Post is Brought to You by My Lilacs

Yesterday when I was online I read a piece by L.A. Times columnist Sandy Banks about the long term affect of losing your mother at an early age. She talks about her own experience of losing her mother to cancer when she was 17 and her mother was 52.

She references a book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman that I had never heard of, but know I need to read. I broke down crying at one point when I could see myself in several of the things she described. It hit me like a ton of bricks, because I all of a sudden didn't feel so crazy.

Edelman noted several character traits that were common including a sense of isolation, and a deep sense of our own mortality.  A tendency to be very independent, yet expecting rejection, and unlikely to ask for help. She quotes a therapist named Irene Rubaum-Keller who lost her mother at the age of 7; "Lonely, sort of needy, but not wanting to need anyone because that's too scary."

Mom & me 1962

Banks also talks about reading a piece from columnist Anna Quindlen who lost her mother at 19, and how it defined her for a long time; I could see myself in that too. I was 2 months shy of my 23rd birthday when my mother died at the age of 51 from a heart attack. It pulled the rug out from under me. Reading the article made me realize it had affected me in ways I never understood.

When I was reading "The Magic Room" I thought about the fact that without my mother around, I never really had any guidance when it came to dating and men. I didn't date much before she died to be able to learn from her, and I have probably confused every man I've ever met with my honesty, but it's the only way I know how to be. I have difficulty expressing my feelings, but when I do, I'm direct about them. The saying about still waters running deep fits me to a T.

Summer 1980

I also unfortunately developed quite a fatalistic attitude after mom's death that in some ways has made me very apathetic about my own life. I feel like I've spent the last 29 years on the outside looking in, and it's tiring.

The Magic Room

I previously posted about the author Jeffrey Zaslow after I read an inspiring eulogy by Bob Greene. What really stuck out for me was his work ethic which was such an integral part of his character. The article mentioned several of his books, including The Magic Room; sadly he was killed in a car accident while travelling to promote it.

Jeff Zaslow 1958-2012

Before reading that, I had not actually remembered hearing about him specifically but do remember seeing a segment on NBC Nightly News about the book, and Becker's Bridal where it was set. After putting 2 & 2 together, I am assuming that what I saw was produced after his death. It was after reading the article that I ended up putting it on my wish list, and ordered it from Amazon last summer.

The Magic Room by Jeff Zaslow

When I first got it I started to read it, then put it away for awhile because I wasn't emotionally/mentally ready to read it at that time. I admit that it is strange, even to me, because I had no preconceived notion of what it would be like. I still felt like I was not in the right mental place to read it.

I finally picked it up again this month after finishing another book, and just finished it yesterday. It turned out to be very good and it is more than just about brides and brides to be, it's about the stories of the lives of these women, young and old and their families. It's hard for me to describe, but it is well worth reading no matter what your personal situation in life.

 He featured the story of Becker's Bridal in Fowler Michigan and the different generations of family that have run it. He also featured several brides whose stories were compelling to him in how they illustrated the journeys that lead people to the altar and love in all it's facets.

One story in particular really hit home for me, about Danielle whose mother Kris died when Danielle was 14 years old. Kris collapsed and died at the age of 33, with no warning. It is presumed that she had heart issues, but it was never confirmed.

He wrote that Danielle knew her life would be forever divided into "before" and "after". He also noted that for many who lose a parent when they are young; they have two milestone birthdays. The birthday when you have lived more of your life without your parent than you did with them alive. The other birthday is when you have lived longer than that parent.

Edith Johnston McDougal

I was reading this chapter on the bus ride home from work, and started crying, but tried to contain it -  it was as if I was reading about myself. I was not as young as Danielle when my mother died from a heart attack; I was 2 months shy of my 23rd birthday, my mom was 51. But reading that she felt this way was such a release, because I knew I was not alone.


Going back further, my siblings and I never knew our grandmother Edith, because she died in her 40's when my mom was between 13 & 14 years old. When mom died young as well, I just assumed that I was fated to die young too. When I turned 50 it didn't bother me at all, but when I got close to 51, it scared me because what seemed so far away when I was 22 was staring me in the face.

Mom at 12 years of age

I realize now that I got kind of fatalistic about life after mom died, but not always in a good way. I tried to not sweat the small stuff, but I also see that I indulged myself when it came to food. Because I had such a low self image anyways, the fatalistic part of me said it didn't matter that I was overweight. Approaching my 51st birthday last fall made me realize that I don't want to die anytime soon.

I am trying to get on a path to wellness both physically and emotionally. I'm also trying not to beat myself up for feeling like I have essentially wasted half my life. I just want to go forward with a new attitude and understand that change doesn't happen over night.